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The Deal - Black Ops in Elbonia - Part 2

Posted by Andy on August 22, 2016 at 11:10 PM Comments comments (0)


Director Ryan couldn't tear his gaze from his screen. There it was, the early stages of a deal he had been tracking for some time, using various overt and covert sources in Elbonia and elsewhere. The moving images he was seeing were black and white and grainy in places, but he was grateful for any means that allowed him to track what was happening in this Elbonian backwater.


Thank the stars for an old Octagon satellite that was still operational, geosynchronously, over this part of Africa. Part of the Octagon Program of the mid 90's, Octagon 7 should have been retired along with the rest of these older tech spy satellites, but the Agency kept one or two active to cover areas of the world that most folks within the Beltway considered to be too remote or backwards to care about. Elbonia was just one of those places. Ryan was pretty certain that President Wubaqui would take egotistical pride in the fact that a US spy satellite was regularly trained on his country, even if it was a technological relic by today's standards, forgotten by most of the American intelligence community.

The images Ryan was seeing were of a small bridge over a rather insignificant but rather swollen stream some dozen miles outside Kantwellabu. He knew, from the intel they'd been able to collect, the time and place this "deal" was to happen, one of the latest shady deals negotiated by that scumbag Max Killimov. What he wasn't certain about was who was dealing and for what.


Ryan's worst fears were confirmed quickly as he was able to clearly make out US Army issued uniforms on the men on the north side of the bridge. Octagon 7's maximum resolution wasn't going to cooperate with him and afford him the ability to recognize faces or insignia, but he could make out one Bradley IFV and one US Army truck, with what appeared to be a tarp-covered cargo.

It was difficult to get a definite count, but Ryan estimated there were about ten men dressed in US Army uniform. Careful scrutiny of the live video, as it slewed and changed its FOV every few seconds, led him to also estimate a similar number of unidentifiable figures on the other side of the bridge. Their informal dress would have suggested they were rebels or some other para-military or mercenary organization, perhaps local gangers.

It was soon evident that two men were approaching each other, planning to meet half way across the bridge. What Ryan would have given to be the proverbial fly on that bridge. At first the discussion between the two men seemed cordial enough, if body language was any indicator, but it soon became a little more animated. Perhaps there was something about this deal that was off or not going as all parties had planned?

It wasn't long after the two had become more animated when there was new commotion on the US Army side of the bridge. The activity caught the attention of the Octagon 7's delicate, finely tuned, sensors, and the device trained its FOV to focus on this new source of commotion. At that point Ryan, leaning in closer to look at his screen, could just make out what appeared to be three separate groups of new "actors". One group had opened fire from the underbrush and palm groves off to the northeast of the bridge, a second group had opened its assault from a rocky ridge off to the northwest, while a third team appeared from the palms to the southeast of the bridge, to assault some of the "Rebels" taking cover behind field walls.

Zooming in as much as he could, given the 7's older technology, Director Ryan could just make out that the newly arriving teams were uniformly attired and clearly working together. He estimated there were four or five men in each of the three new teams, and their tactics, uniform, and the fact they were here at this place and at this time, led him to believe that these were Elbonian Special Forces, perhaps Wubaqui's fabled Golden Lions themselves.  

The renegade American soldiers and unidentified Rebels were returning fire and seeking what safety they could find behind the walls near the bridge and in the fields covering the bridge. The Bradley appeared to also be gearing up to engage the new force, as its crew quickly buttoned up and started moving their vehicle.

It wasn't long after that that Ryan could see several RPG rockets go off, fired by what he was certain were now Elbonian SOF. One was able to take out the truck but repeated shots directed at the Bradley were ineffective. Several of the Americans were seen to be popping smoke, as they were at a distinct disadvantage, with no eyes and ears nor external support, they were not in a position to withstand a protracted engagement, particularly if the Rebels attacked them as well.

It was at this point that Ryan noticed a new development on the bridge. The "American" negotiater was down, possibly shot, as Ryan just caught a glimpse of his bridgemate lowering a weapon. It seems things had now gotten worse for these renegade US soldiers.

Ryan zoomed out a little to get a larger picture of the action. He could clearly see the "Rebel" on the bridge standing over the "American" and the two Army teams taking cover on either side of the road just north of the bridge. The Bradley was beginning to engage the SOF group closest to it, just as several of the soldiers seemed to realize what had happened on the bridge, and the Rebels seemed newly driven to entrap the Americans and avoid the Elbonian SOF elements altogether.

What Ryan had to respect in these men as the warrior's creed of "never leave a man behind", seemed to drive a couple of the soldiers onto the bridge towards their fallen comrade and subsequently drive the rebel leader off the south side of the bridge and into his own cover.


As the pressure continued to mount on both the Americans and the Rebels, it appeared that both groups had reached the same conclusion at the same time. Cut your losses and bug out. With the Bradley tryng to provide some cover, most of the surviving Americans headed north up the road, only abandoning the Bradley as it finally succumbed to an Elbonian RPG.


Ryan didn't notice what happened to the surviving rebels, as the Elbonian forces were about to swarm the bridge from both sides. He was more concerned about identifying who the Amercian soldiers were and who their leader might be. Unfortunately, the Octagon 7 just hadn't given him enough resolution to postively identify the suspects.

Close to giving up and having to turn to other investigative means to identify who the renegade Americans were, Ryan saw something that tipped him off to their identity, certainly the identity of one of the soldiers... As he was panning the 7 back towards the bridge, Ryan saw movement along the bridge wall at its northwest corner. There, hunkered down, one lone American boy, who had been one of the men who had gallantly rushed the bridge to the aid of a fallen comrade, only to be pinned by intense rebel fire, still clung to his position.

Director Ryan could only imagine what must have been going through that boy's head. Capture, torture, embarrasment for his family, death? But then something happend and, despite knowing that these Americans were criminals and would need to be punished for what they had done, Ryan found himself rooting for this young lad. What the boy did next was remarkable, instinctual, and gave him away to the spying eye of the Octagon 7. The boy quickly shed his helmet, webbing, and shoes, tossed his weapon in the creek, and leapt into the creek himself, even as the Elbonian forces swiftly approached.


From the vantage point of low earth orbit, CIA Director Lawrence Ryan, a former competitive swimmer himself and an ever-avid fan of the sport, knew he now had his man. One stroke, then another, then another, told him everything he needed to know. The technique and rhythm were unmistakable. This wasn't just any young soldier, this was none other than Matthew Jefferson himself, one time Olympic freestyle champion.

Now he had a name... now he would track down and deal with the man responsible for this crime against his beloved country, for leading Matthew and the other once-loyal soldiers astray.

The Broker - Black Ops in Elbonia - Part 1

Posted by Andy on June 22, 2016 at 1:55 AM Comments comments (0)

With practiced speed and agility, Elbonian President Robert Wubaqui rolled off of the cooing twin Swedish starlets, and rose to his feet.  Wubaqui was having a great night (and so too, he was sure, were Greta and Olga).  Just a scant few hours ago he'd received a report that his Elbonian Secret Police (ESP), hot on the heels of recent HUMINT regarding the activities of the notorious black market entrepeneur Max Killimov, had struck with reckless bravado and, in so doing, had secured vital intelligence about the most recent deal arranged by Killimov.

He'd learned that a team of eight ESP agents, including six recruits, had deployed quickly from ESP headquarters in Kantwellabu.  That in broad daylight they had approached the small, inconsequential village of Wehavanoname, 30km outside of the city, under the relative cover of a nearby palm grove.  The briefing he'd received went on to relay how, having spotted a number of Killimov's guards on various roofs, the team leader, Jamal, had ordered two of his men to sprint across the nearby stream ford.  At the same time, Jamal's men had identified another group of armed individuals moving off to the left of them, through the brush.  Several of the ESP agents engaged this group of unidentified combatants, one a female.  

Wubaqui had been so very proud to hear that several of this group, who had clearly been acting unlawfully on Elbonian soil, had been gunned down.  The bodies of these interlopers were later recovered but it has not yet been possible to identify their origins or associations.  The briefing did note, however, that the female had been a looker.

Killimov's roof guards had momentarily turned their gazes away from the stream, allowing Jamal's men safe and unaccosted passage.  The briefing went on to describe how his men had then begun stacking up along a wall they'd reached once crossing the ford.  Scaling that wall together, they'd encountered a lone guard in the yard of a large house and, in a short engagement, finished him off.

From there it was simply a matter for Jamal to slip around and into the house, where he reportedly encountered and gunned down another guard.  A quick search of that building found nothing of interest so Jamal and his remaining men moved up the street to the long building on the left.  As they did, they reported seeing gun fire exchanged between a guard to their right on a nearby roof and what they believed were additional members of the unidentified group they'd encountered earlier, situated further up the street.  A scan of the interior of the long building uncovered several laptops and some additional papers, which Jamal believed belonged to Killimov.

Shortly thereafter, as repeated radio calls had been made for reinforcement, additional national security assets arrived and what was left of the remaining guards were rounded up.  With his photo in hand, Jamal and his men had not identified any of the living or the dead as Max Killimov.  It seemed the bad news had been that Killimov had probably escaped.  There was no further sign of surviving members of the other mysterious team.

As President Wubaqui smiled at his intelligence coup and threw back another shot of tequila, his phone rang.  It was the commander of his secret police.  After studying the intelligence gathered in Wehavanoname, all that they could tell for certain was that the latest deal brokered by Killimov involved the Elbonian Liberation Front (ELF).  His analysts were able to identify a place and a time but could not ascertain who the seller was or what was being sold.  With a sly nod and a wink towards the still writhing Greta and Olga, Wubaqui momentarily returned his attention to the man on the other end of the line and quietly and proudly ordered the activation of Golden Lion Team 6...

Smoking gun dropping to his side, Russian FSB General Bari Brugevich watched as Boris dropped dead to the floor.  With a tortured  glare the General spun around and paced back to his desk.  How could his men have failed?  It was bad enough that he had been running a black FSB operation outside of Russia, designed to keep tabs on Max Killimov, but now to receive the news that his beloved Natasha was lost to him!  Her body now in the hands of those Elbonian pigs!!

Before his sudden and well deserved forced resignation, Boris had reported that he, Natasha, and four of his men had tracked Killimov to the small Elbonian village of Wehavanoname.  Knowing that pressure was mounting to end the Elbonian operation, it seemed a good time to shut down that operation and bring Killimov back to Moscow.  Particularly when Boris and his men had discovered that Killimov was brokering yet another unauthorized deal.

Boris had relayed how the six of them had acted quickly, in broad daylight, to approach Wehavanoname from the northwest, through the cover of a nearby grove of palms.  As they moved towards the village, cutting their way through the underbrush, and closing on a stream they knew was in the area, Boris divided his team.  He and two of his men moved quickly towards the stream as Natasha and two men were a little further south, providing backup.  

Apparently, Natasha's group had been focussed on the village and spotting Killimov's men before they in turn were spotted.  Boris had reluctantly described how he heard gun fire from over his right shoulder and had feared the worst for Natasha and her men  He was uncertain at the time who her assailants had been, but the subsequent rapid arrival of Elbonian national police suggested to him that a unit of Elbonian soldiers must have been in the area.

Boris had reported that he carried on with their operation, despite fearing for Natasha, and had subsequently reached the stream.  Crossing under the cover provided by a cluster of palms on the far bank, Boris and the two men with him crept closer to the northern end of the village.  His two men engaged guards on the nearby roof as Boris himself slipped into a small house.  A quick search had turned up nothing of value, and as Boris exited the building he saw another group of armed men further down the road, towards the south.

Concerned that the Elbonian authorities might have been closing in, Boris had then ordered a withdrawl.  As he and his men were leaving the area, Boris had glanced through the window of a light truck parked nearby.  He smashed the window and stole some folders he found in the back seat, hoping something of interest could be learned from them.

General Brugevich set the still smoking gun down on his desk and looked down at the folders just sitting there.  While this intelligence was slim, it seemed to suggest that the deal Killimov had brokered involved an exchange of drugs for an anti-aircraft weapon system.  Unfortunately, what was not at all clear, were the other details of the deal.  Who were the parties involved, where and when would the deal take place.  Regardless, it was high time to bring Max in for good...

Slamming his fist down on the table, CIA Director Lawrence Ryan couldn't believe Felix had botched his assignment so badly.  He knew Felix was getting close to retirement.  Hell, he was probably well past that point now!  Too many of those cushy Caribbean assignments bailing out that pretentious British MI6 agent.

Felix and his five men had had strict orders.  They were to quickly assail the suspected hiding place of Max Killimov, in the Elbonian village of  Wehava-something-or-other, and secure him for further questioning, while seizing any other intelligence they coud find.  "Quickly" apparently was the part of their orders they hadn't followed.  According to Felix, in his post-mission debrief, he and his men had very caustiously approached the Elbonian village from the southwest, through a grove of dense palms.

Felix had ordered his men to slowly advance through the underbrush.  While this maintained their concealment, it also meant that they were ultimately late to a party that was larger than they expected it to be.  Once they had reached the west bank of the nearby stream, from the cover of the grove, they could make out several of Killimov's guards on rooftops.  They also reported hearing gunfire off to their left, but never got a glimpse of who was firing.

The CIA team reacted when it had heard gun fire.  Using the associated commotion as cover, Felix had ordered the five men to wade across the stream.  Unfortunatley, as Felix retold it, it was just as his last two men were mid-stream when shots rang out and one of his men was hit.  Felix believed it was one of the rooftop guards who'd caught a glimpse of his men.  Despite the risk, Lenny, the team's medic, reacted quickly to try and see to his fallen colleague.  Felix had been visibly moved, then, as he reported how the same rooftop guard had susequently shown no mercy and had cruelly gunned down Lenny as well.

Ryan would have to give Felix credit for pressing on with his plan, despite having two of his men go down.  Having been concerned about his left flank and having heard the gun fire off to his left, Felix ordered suppressing fire to the left as he and his last two men made for the safety of a nearby wall.  Felix reported that as they moved east along the wall, they could hear an exchange of fire from the other side and from the nearby roof.  Suspecting that the gunman who had shot and hit two of his mean was nearby, Felix had led the remainder of his team along the wall, towards the main road.

As two of his men rounded the corner of the nearest building, into the main street, they reported having seen another group of armed men at the far north end of the road, at the other end of the village.  They reported being unable to identify these men, but knew they were engaged with gun men on the roof to the immediate right.  Not long after this, as Felix and his men assessed the current situation, he determined that there was an ever increasing chance that Elbonian police may have arrived on the scene.  Felix, perhaps showing his age, perhaps his seasoned concern for OPSEC, chose to withdraw and evacuate his two wounded from the scene.

While no useful intel was gatthered, what was clear was that the CIA was not the only organization out there after Killimov.  Ryan knew he was onto something, and he was concerned what that something would uncover.  He'd had other intel available to him, and he wasn't happy with what he was seeing.  He also knew it was high time for Felix to finally hang up his secret decoder ring...  


Relieved to still be a free man, Max Killimov handed Josef Fillipov, his local "contractor", a briefcase full of cash.  Business was business.  You could never take it personally.  But Max was understandably a little shaken by what had recently transpired, and the pressure from apparently several quarters had seemed very intense.  

Having been engrossed in his favorite pastime, he'd been unaware of what was happening outside the building he'd been in.  Fortunately for him, he'd heard the commotion outside just in time.  He'd grabbed his gun, run to the back door, slipped out, and was able to make his escape eastward.  Most of his hired guards had either been killed ot captured and he'd had to leave all his belongings behind.  However, in this business, this impersonal world, you learned to travel light,   So apart from some documents and a few other pieces of equipment he'd prefered to have taken with him, he'd been smart and had the most important information in the safest place imaginable, his own head.

Josef had just explained that they'd been simultaneously assaulted from three directions, from what may have been two separate groups.  He recognized the uniforms of the ESP worn by the center group.  He had surmised that the other two teams on their flanks belonged to a single group of civilian agents, who were no doubt supporting the ESP.  Advisors, probably French, was his guess.  Max wasn't so sure.

Briefcase in hand, Josef was turning now, towards the door.  Max thought some more.  How had they found him, he moved all the time?  Were they really part of one large effort to seize him?  He would have thought that perhaps General Brugevich would have been after him, but Elbonian Secret Police?  He'd have to tighten up his own personal security, but he thought it best not to warn the two parties involved in this most recent deal, this breach in his security would not reflect well on his reputation as a discreet broker,  He really needed to tie up the loose ends.

The gun in his hand fired twice, in rapid succession.  Josef crumpled to the floor, one hand on the briefcase and the other hand on the door.

Business was business. You could never take it personally.

We all had a great time trying out Osprey's Black Ops wargame rules, bringing a little more intrigue to modern Elbonia.  This scenario was an adaptation of one recently published in Wargames, Soldiers, & Strategy - the editor of which (Guy Bowers) is actually the author of these rules.  Based on that article, and the campaign system suggested in the rules, I am going to be running the next chapter in this story this month (July), so look for another entertaining blog article soon.

When Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!

Posted by Rob on October 7, 2015 at 1:50 AM Comments comments (0)

The traditional October game featuring Zombies was a great outing for GASLIGHT rules and my 28mm modern collection.  We had a smaller than normal crowd due to Texas BROADSIDE being this weekend, but the Churchill Room at Black Labrador was a great setting and the game ran very cinematically.

Forces available: 

  • British SAS team on the run from a prior off-table incident with the Zombie outbreak.  Arriving in a comandeered Elbonian Police Land Rover, very low on fuel.  Stephen K. ran this force.
  • Local Elbonian criminal gang, runs this village and controls a fuel tank alongside the main dirt track.  An old colonial chapel is the anchor for the village, and has a small UN World Health Organization (WHO) clinic nearby setup to handle the outbreak.  Michelle K. took this unit.
  • Virtucon team composed of Dr. Evil, Number Two, and some henchmen who were escorting the only surviving WHO Scientist back to the Virtucon regional secret base.

The Action begins, Scene 1.

The SAS drove down the dirt track toward the village.  Virtucon mounts up in their vehicles outside the chapel.  Elbonian gang closes in on Virtucon w/ some shooting.  Players begin to realize that shooting, starting up vehicles, and driving vehicles causes noise markers, which leads to Zombies showing up.

The Elbonian gang and Virtucon shoot at each other, henchmen and gangers start to die from gunfire.  More Zombies arrive and begin marching/running toward the sound of the guns.  Gangers seek cover but Zombies start shambling out of any nearby building or jungle.  SAS team drives into the village outskirts and park next to some dumpsters near the clinic.  Virtucon fails to start one their pickup truck and a henchman in the bed starts to Scuffle with Zombies.  After the driver is killed from Ganger small arms, a new henchman takes the wheel and starts the truck and drives away with Dr. Evil in the orange SUV from the chapel w/ the scientist and trades some firing w/ the SAS.  More Zombies arrive...

Elbonian gang is in the thickest fighting as they are on foot and learn that Scuffling w/ Zombies makes far less noise than gunfire, but also the disposable nature of GASLIGHT extras w/out saves.  Luckily Elbonian gangs re-spawn when wiped out (there are alot of gang members in this village).  SAS and Virtucon stay in their vehicles and are largely immune to Zombie Scuffle attacks.

Scene 2

Virtucon and SAS decide to cooperate and stop shooting at each other.  A large horde of Zombies has already been generated and despite attempted run-over attacks by Virtucon, starts shambling after the SAS and Virtucon vehicles.  SAS call for their evac helicopter but remain in their vehicles instead of securing the LZ.  Zombies begin to attack the vehicles.

Realizing that they eventually have to get out, SAS exits their Police Land Rover (which only had 1 turn remaining of fuel) and Scuffle w/ the Zombies.  The effective close combat SAS start killing Zombies but there are so many of them....  A few Zombies Scuffle hits and failed Saves cause infections to set in...

Virtucon sees the SAS holding their own and bail out of their vehicles just as the RAF Chinook lands in the LZ.  Elbonian gang #2 after battling some Zombies in the village push a RPG team w/ some escorts within range of the Helicopter.  Just as the RPG fires, a dreaded '20' is rolled in the attack rendering a mis-fire!  The frustrated Gang grenadier must spend next activation clearing the dud rocket with Zombies closing in.

Scene 3

The SAS realize they will not be able to defeat the horde and decide to run for it.  The Zombies take their free Scuffle attacks but are ineffective.  SAS board the helo and have a chance to double-cross their Virtucon allies(?) but Stephen decides for Queen and Country to wait for Dr. Evil and the scientist to join them.  This proves a pivotal decision in the final outcome.

The Elbonian gang member clears the jammed rocket and is ready to fire but Virtucon activated first and boarded the helicopter, taking some Scuffle attacks by the Zombie herd but boarded with several healthy henchmen.  At the climax of the action, the next activation was the SAS so the chopper lifted off, successfully escaping the Zombie herd and Elbonian gang RPG gunner who ultimately was devoured for dinner by the herd of local Zombies.

In a final moment of drama, the SAS infected trooper turned into a Zombie as the chopper flew away and a Scuffle erupted INSIDE the chopper with the other survivors.  The now-Zombie SAS trooper fought better than a local Elbonian civilian Zombie and infected another soldier before being killed.  Infected trooper #2 turned into a Zombie and now the Virtucon henchmen were needed to control the former SAS Zombie-trooper.  Number Two jumped into the fight and was bitten and infected in his efforts to control the second Zombie ex-soldier.  When the Scuffle was finally over, Number Two, another Virtucon Henchman, and the two SAS troopers were all dead.  Only two SAS troopers, Dr. Evil (w/ pet cat Mr. Bigglesworth), one henchman (new Number Two?), and WHO scientist Dr. Stevens survived.  It was just another day in darkest Elbonia during a Zombie outbreak.

I'll run this game Saturday night at Owlcon with a few tweaks.  Thanks to Barry, Stephen, and Michelle for playing.  Pictures are posted in the Photo Gallery.

World War Z - Elbonia

Posted by Rob on October 31, 2014 at 3:05 PM Comments comments (0)

The collapse of civilization saw one platoon of USMC in Elbonia become a squad.

For the month of October, Beer & Pretzel club continues a Zombie theme which began in 2013.  For this outing, Andy used Ambush Z which are the Zombie rules for Force on Force.  He setup a scenario featuring a platoon of very lonely USMC holding a defensive wall in a small village in Elbonia.  Part of a US health mission to 'cure the outbreak'.  Sound familiar?

The local Elbonians were turning into undead, and a small local militia was trying to get into the 'secure USMC perimeter' while surrounded by very undead and hungry locals.

Chris T. played the Elbonian militia, Joe P. took the USMC, while I tried to eat lots of brains.

Game began w/ Andy displaying his freshly painted Zombies from Rebel Minis, supplied by Bobe's Hobby at Broadside.  Kudos to Andy for 1. having a baby daughter earlier in the month, 2. running a successful gaming convention aboard USS Texas, and 3. hosting a game w/ lots of newly painted minis all in the same month!

The sound of gunfire attracted a zombie herd initially to Chris, who rushed a gang into a building near the Marines line and tried to fortify the upstairs/roof.  Another gang took this as a good idea and ran into another building, only to find an entire group of Biters/Walkers/Zeds waiting inside who promptly ate them for afternoon snack.  Militia at this point decided prioriity was more on survival than joining the Marines.

The Marines had 3 squads online w/ a sniper team and just started to engage, when a lucky event card caused a sandstorm to hit the village which dropped visibility to night conditions and effected their engagement range.  This did not bother the Zombies who kept trudging toward the sound of the guns.

Eventually, the Zombies started the hit the Marines' wall in the center and were gunned down in large numbers.  As time went on, the Zombie's troop quality increased due to their frenzy which made them harder to fight against. 

Once a large enough herd clustered on the center, they broke through and destroyed one fireteam.  At this point, a reinforcing militia unit had comandeered a troop transport truck and drove through the herd with a plan to fire out the back.  Resulting reaction tests had a few Zombies jump onto the truck and fought the occupants to a man.  Final result was the driver of the truck escaping away with one undead Zombie in the back trying to break into the driver compartment.

The large herd over the wall swung to their right in a successful reaction test and closed with the next Marine squad before they could fire and another close combat was won by the Zombies.  We called the game at this point as the sniper team and last USMC squad would be executing a retrograde maneuver after seeing what a herd can do at close quarters and without the advantage of ranged fire or distance.

Some more militia and civilians were trapped within the town by more Zombies so this hotspot will be part of the no-go zone in Elbonia for quite some time.

Thanks to Andy and the players for having some Halloween fun.  More pictures are in the Photo Gallery.

Next year I might try something in 28mm w/ my Zombie horde and using Zombies by GASLIGHT rules.

HUNG Out to Drive in Elbonia!

Posted by Rob on June 27, 2014 at 9:40 AM Comments comments (3)

CNN reports two contrasting events on a typical day in Elbonia. A successful food delivery to the village of Luonga by the World Food Programme (WFP) under the protection of the UN, while the National Guard and numerous other factions engaged in a catastrophic fire-fight around the neighboring and now-deserted village of Uonga.


Locals report chaos, and lions rampaging through the streets of Uonga, eating wounded and dying townsfolk and fighters as the village militia was decimated by the National Guard and other converging forces.



"I didn't know what was happening" reported the new head-man Massai (not his real name) in response to the attacks. The National Guard has maintained a check-point on Elbonia Route 1 for several weeks now; extorting tribute from passing traffic. Unexplainably, they suddenly attacked the village, possibly under the influence of Khat.

The villagers defended themselves, rallying their militia forces. In the ensuing chaos, lions emerged from the jungle and began attacking any targets of opportunity.


CNN witnessed the surprising presence of HUNG, the Haitian Underground biker gang that has been roaming the countryside, led by the mysterious Dumas. Elbonian Tourism Minister Kamana Spenti, commented "We gave HUNG membership a permanent tourist visa, it's good for the economy".


Post-attack investigation shows a severely damaged oil pipeline in the village which apparently has been shut-down. The cause of the damage is unknown but most likely resulted from heavy weapons fire damage.


In related news, TransAfrica PetroServices (TAPS) announced the removal of their Sr. VP for West Africa, Luke Warm, stating he has been transferred to Special Projects Division pending his retirement to spend more time with his family. Oil & Gas Journal reports that the prior reported TAPS Elbonian pipeline production decline has drastically reduced output, possibly as a result of this pipeline damage in Uonga. Requests for comment from TAPS were not returned.

Holliewood Reporter.com said nothing has been heard from the lion rescue PETARD mission launched by S. Baldwin. Calls to the Elbonian Embassy in Washington were made but have not resulted in further contact with PETARD. Rumor of a benefit concert to launch a relief expedition are swirling in the clubs of LA.

World Food Programme - Fighting Hunger Worldwide

Posted by Rob on June 14, 2014 at 9:25 PM Comments comments (0)


The World Food Programme (WFP) provides assistance in Elbonia through a countrywide Protracted Relief and Recovery Operation in 15 districts, a school feeding programme in 12 districts and school gardens, a Purchase for Progress (P4P) local food procurement pilot project, and an emergency operation (EMOP) assisting Garlamistani refugees and vulnerable host populations in northern Elbonia.

WFP’s recovery and development programmes, including the P4P pilot, aim to support Elbonia’ssocial and economic recovery and improve food security. The EMOP aims to address the food and nutritional needs of refugees and host populations affected by the Garlamistani refugee crisis.

WFP works in Elbonia's 15 districts through sub-offices in Kantwellabu and Elbonogo and field offices in Kankan and Nzerekore. 

WFP has been present in Elbonia since 2001.

PETARD for Action

Posted by Rob on June 6, 2014 at 9:35 AM Comments comments (0)

Hi, I'm Stephen Baldwin.  Today I'm issuing a call for action to join me on a mission to protect the Lions of Elbonia.

Almost a year ago, I met a wonderful man, Manuel Exposure - a great wildlife photographer.  He told me about the most horrific state sponsored lion hunts in the far-off country of Elbonia. 

As I sipped my mocha-frappachino at a Cafe off Rodeo Drive, I was horrified.  "Let's do something" I said. 

The response has been overwhelming, we have support, resources, and people ready to go get these lions.  We have a plan.  Join me on this great expedition.

As a well funded offshoot of PETA, we are PETARD, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Ranger Division.  I offer you a chance to make a difference in this world, and save some beautiful cats.  Follow me on Facebook and Twitter as we go get these lions.



Missing Oil in Elbonia!

Posted by Rob on June 6, 2014 at 9:20 AM Comments comments (0)

RE: Some of our Oil is missing!!

From: Warm, Luke - Sr. VP, TransAfrica PetroServices (TAPS)

To: Steele, Rusty - CEO, TransAfrica PetroServices (TAPS)


There is an issue in our Elbonian operation; specifically oil throughput on pipeline Elco-1 is down 25% vs. last month. This has a negative impact on our bottom-line at the export terminal. Local management is largely incompetant and didn't recognize this problem. Corporate Accounting identified a variance and escalated the issue to MANCOM. After an emergency meeting, we are aligned to called in 'The Specialist' and will be checking the route for 'leakage'.

It's imperative this throughput issue is corrected in advance of negotiations with the Chinese delegates. I will update you on progress once the Specialist team checks in from Elbonia.

This will be handled by our Special Projects Division and I have temporary Delegation of Authority for the reserve cost center.



I'm getting too old for this sh$t

Posted by Rob on July 19, 2013 at 7:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Personal Blog entry of Manuel Exposure - WWF Photojournalist

June 24, 2013

Living in Elbonia for the last 20 years, I have seen the outlook on the wildlife here go from rather hopeful to incredibly dismal.

By the mid-2000s—shortly after Elbonia fell into despotic rule under General Wubaqi—wildlife numbers of lions were of typical sub-saharan levels in many communal areas. But since the Elbonian government began state sponsored lion hunts, the depletion of these animals has been amazing. Elbonia now has the smallest population of indigenous lions in the world.

This deplorable condition has all been possible due to Elbonia’s lack of vision for conservation and total disregard for the importance of engaging communities in conservation. The government has ignored multiple non-governmental organizations’, including WWF, call to create a national community-based natural resource management program. In fact, efforts to jointly assist communities in forming conservation areas to manage and benefit from their wildlife have been thwarted at every turn by bureaucratic harassment and continued demands for extra ‘permits’ and payments for non-judicial administrative judgments. Finding it impossible to meet this legal criteria, it becomes necessary to appeal to the world community to recognized all branches of government in Elbonia as a public enemy of conservancy.

With government owned game reserves covering 38 million acres, Elbonia has become a conservation disaster that motivates countries and communities around the globe to cry out on behalf of the lions. Twenty different countries have sent delegations to come and protest Elbonia’s practices and failures.

One of the most abyssmal visits was a high-ranking delegation from Garlamistan. It was remarkable to sit in the constitution room at parliament and hear our Elbonian hosts so proudly tell their guests about how important it is to create a constitution that incorporates sustainable game management of the environment and proactive engagement with communities. “After all, if we didn’t hunt the lions, they would just in turn hunt us. It’s a quid-pro-quo you see” stated the Under-minister of Ministries Kidd Rockus. When the Garlamistani delegation pointed out that the lions in Elbonia were on the verge of extinction, the Under-Minister commented “We will just breed or buy some more, what do they take, a few months/years before we can hunt them? There are plenty of Zoos who will sell their lions for a good price. Besides, what do you berry gatherers know anyway?  Gunga ga loonga, isn’t that a word in your language?”.

It’s very depressing to watch the transformation in how people value wildlife in Elbonia. Wildlife, once perceived as a valuable asset to peoples’ livelihoods to be used for tourism, is increasingly being viewed as a detriment useful only to attract big game hunters. One can see peoples’ mindsets incrementally shift; they start to think that wildlife is not worth something and that it’s ok to be hunted for sport by the state.

An example of this is the recent secret Great Lion Hunt where over 20 lions were slaughtered for pleasure by international hunters on motorcycles, offroad land cruisers, and even an armoured vehicle with helicopter gunship support in northwest Elbonia. If you approached the game reserve, Elbonian Army units would not let you pass stating the reserve was closed for “Executive Training Maneuvers”.

We offered to provide half the money to buy the lions’ lives and secure their release before the hunt. After two hours of discussion, the Army’s representatives took our money told us to leave. That was a huge demonstration of their attitude shift. Not only did they condone killing the lions for sport, they now were willing to confiscate NGO money with total disregard to the lives of the lions.

Working for WWF and being involved in this kind of work is incredibly dangerous. I doubt there's any other place in the world where I could have so little impact or satisfaction from a job. This place is hopeless from a conservationist view. I’m packing my things and leaving on the next boat or flight out, back to Sevilla.

Elbonian News Network Alert!

Posted by Rob on July 4, 2012 at 3:20 PM Comments comments (0)

And now, we interupt this program for a live announcement from Kantwellabu (the Capital).  General Wubaqi has important news for us all.

My people, today I must announce the suspension of our gas-pipeline project in Kamsar.  I have taken this action in response to the treachery of our former-partner, the vile camel-toes of B'Eano.  They have proven themselves worthless business partners, corrupt in their actions, and in secret collusion with the Belihurton Corporation and caustic elements within Elbonia.  Effective immediately, we have removed our diplomatic mission from B'Eano, and the former-ambassador to Elbonia from B'Eano is now under house arrest in an Elbonian palace undergoing 'questioning' to fully understand the motivations behind the actions of his security team and himself in recent days in Kamsar.  With great benevolence, I have given the representative of Belihurton, Justin Thyme, safe passage out of Elbonia to the Garlamistani border along with his company lackies.  Their project execution and design information for the gas project have been secured and stored in the archives of the Elbonian Library in Kantwellabu.  The contract with Belihurton is terminated for cause due to the breach of Belihurton's failure to protect the investment of Elbonia, and all progress payments are cancelled and backcharges will be submitted for the full contract value and consequential damages/loss of profits to the State of Elbonia.  As of this moment, the Belihurton Corporation owes Elbonia One BILLION US Dollars.  I have signed an arrest warrant for the CEO of Belihurton, Richard Burns, and will submit this warrant to INTERPOL to request his extradition.

My people, it is with great pride that I commend the swift and decisive actions of the Elbonian Army at quelling some disruptive elements in Kamsar.  A terrorist cell influenced by marxist and other mis-guided beliefs was found in the neighborhood of the port after they maliciously destroyed an Elbonian Gas Company tanker on a charity mission to a local orphanage, delivering a gift supply of fuel oil.  This group of terrorists was caught red-handed after the tragic destruction of this humanitarian gift to the children, and the Elbonian Army eradicated their threat to the community.  For these and other actions, I have awarded the commander of the Elbonian Army, an additional palace residence and a new title of Admiral of the Elbonian Fleet.

B'Eano is now to be considered a hostile state to Elbonia.  I have ordered the Army to seal the border and mobilize to the B'Eano frontier.  At my command, the Ministry of Ministries has entered into diplomatic discussion with Garlamistan to agree on a united front to the scourge of B'Eano.

From this moment forward, all of Elbonia is to be united against the B'Eano.  A collection program of all B'Eano sympathizers and citizens within Elbonia has begun and will continue until we are cleansed of their foul presence.

For Elbonia!  [raises hands above head and smiles to camera...fade to black]

We now return you to your regular programming, Real Housewives of Wubaqi's Fifth Harem - The Reunion