|Posted by Rob on June 27, 2014 at 9:40 AM|
CNN reports two contrasting events on a typical day in Elbonia. A successful food delivery to the village of Luonga by the World Food Programme (WFP) under the protection of the UN, while the National Guard and numerous other factions engaged in a catastrophic fire-fight around the neighboring and now-deserted village of Uonga.
Locals report chaos, and lions rampaging through the streets of Uonga, eating wounded and dying townsfolk and fighters as the village militia was decimated by the National Guard and other converging forces.
"I didn't know what was happening" reported the new head-man Massai (not his real name) in response to the attacks. The National Guard has maintained a check-point on Elbonia Route 1 for several weeks now; extorting tribute from passing traffic. Unexplainably, they suddenly attacked the village, possibly under the influence of Khat.
The villagers defended themselves, rallying their militia forces. In the ensuing chaos, lions emerged from the jungle and began attacking any targets of opportunity.
CNN witnessed the surprising presence of HUNG, the Haitian Underground biker gang that has been roaming the countryside, led by the mysterious Dumas. Elbonian Tourism Minister Kamana Spenti, commented "We gave HUNG membership a permanent tourist visa, it's good for the economy".
Post-attack investigation shows a severely damaged oil pipeline in the village which apparently has been shut-down. The cause of the damage is unknown but most likely resulted from heavy weapons fire damage.
In related news, TransAfrica PetroServices (TAPS) announced the removal of their Sr. VP for West Africa, Luke Warm, stating he has been transferred to Special Projects Division pending his retirement to spend more time with his family. Oil & Gas Journal reports that the prior reported TAPS Elbonian pipeline production decline has drastically reduced output, possibly as a result of this pipeline damage in Uonga. Requests for comment from TAPS were not returned.
Holliewood Reporter.com said nothing has been heard from the lion rescue PETARD mission launched by S. Baldwin. Calls to the Elbonian Embassy in Washington were made but have not resulted in further contact with PETARD. Rumor of a benefit concert to launch a relief expedition are swirling in the clubs of LA.
Categories: Modern Africa