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Elbonian News Network Alert!

Posted by Rob on July 4, 2012 at 3:20 PM

And now, we interupt this program for a live announcement from Kantwellabu (the Capital).  General Wubaqi has important news for us all.

My people, today I must announce the suspension of our gas-pipeline project in Kamsar.  I have taken this action in response to the treachery of our former-partner, the vile camel-toes of B'Eano.  They have proven themselves worthless business partners, corrupt in their actions, and in secret collusion with the Belihurton Corporation and caustic elements within Elbonia.  Effective immediately, we have removed our diplomatic mission from B'Eano, and the former-ambassador to Elbonia from B'Eano is now under house arrest in an Elbonian palace undergoing 'questioning' to fully understand the motivations behind the actions of his security team and himself in recent days in Kamsar.  With great benevolence, I have given the representative of Belihurton, Justin Thyme, safe passage out of Elbonia to the Garlamistani border along with his company lackies.  Their project execution and design information for the gas project have been secured and stored in the archives of the Elbonian Library in Kantwellabu.  The contract with Belihurton is terminated for cause due to the breach of Belihurton's failure to protect the investment of Elbonia, and all progress payments are cancelled and backcharges will be submitted for the full contract value and consequential damages/loss of profits to the State of Elbonia.  As of this moment, the Belihurton Corporation owes Elbonia One BILLION US Dollars.  I have signed an arrest warrant for the CEO of Belihurton, Richard Burns, and will submit this warrant to INTERPOL to request his extradition.

My people, it is with great pride that I commend the swift and decisive actions of the Elbonian Army at quelling some disruptive elements in Kamsar.  A terrorist cell influenced by marxist and other mis-guided beliefs was found in the neighborhood of the port after they maliciously destroyed an Elbonian Gas Company tanker on a charity mission to a local orphanage, delivering a gift supply of fuel oil.  This group of terrorists was caught red-handed after the tragic destruction of this humanitarian gift to the children, and the Elbonian Army eradicated their threat to the community.  For these and other actions, I have awarded the commander of the Elbonian Army, an additional palace residence and a new title of Admiral of the Elbonian Fleet.

B'Eano is now to be considered a hostile state to Elbonia.  I have ordered the Army to seal the border and mobilize to the B'Eano frontier.  At my command, the Ministry of Ministries has entered into diplomatic discussion with Garlamistan to agree on a united front to the scourge of B'Eano.

From this moment forward, all of Elbonia is to be united against the B'Eano.  A collection program of all B'Eano sympathizers and citizens within Elbonia has begun and will continue until we are cleansed of their foul presence.

For Elbonia!  [raises hands above head and smiles to camera...fade to black]

We now return you to your regular programming, Real Housewives of Wubaqi's Fifth Harem - The Reunion

Categories: Modern Africa

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