Houston Beer and Pretzel Wargaming

Beer and Wargaming...Pretzels?...Not so much...

Famed Photographer Dies

Posted by Andy on July 3, 2012 at 1:30 AM

Kantwellabu, Elbonia (AP) -- The media world was shocked today with the news of the recent death of Pulitzer Prize winning Swedish photojournalist Len Scoover.  Scoover was one of five international journalists caught in the crossfire in last Monday's tragic incident in Kamsar, Elbonia, Western Africa.



Scoover, together with famed CUNT reporter Crystal Imonfeur, her cameraman Cam Stedman, sound man Mike Bass, and their CUNT producer Marshall Peeples, were evacuated from the scene soon after the street battle ended and were rushed to a nearby American Army field hospital east of the city.


Scoover died yesterday from wounds sustained during last Monday's incident.  The other media representatives have been successfully evacuated to Frankfurt, Germany and are still recovering from their ordeal.  They were unavailable for comment.  "Len was a good man, a fine man, and a great photographer", said fellow photojournalist and close personal friend Cody Ackers, "He will be missed by the community". 


Scoover and the other media personnel were in Kamsar, Elbonia, a small coastal community not far from the border between Elbonia and Guinea-Bissau, to cover a meeting between Elbonian President Robert Wubaqi, the b'Eanian Ambassador to Elbonia, and a representative of the American firm, Belihurton.  Eyewitnesses say Scoover was separated from the other media personnel after the first shots were fired and most in the group were wounded, and Scoover may have been in a good position to see who was shooting at them.  Initially unscathed, Scoover was seen making an attempt to cross the street while under fire to see to his wounded colleagues but in the process was hit himself.


We have obtained a transcript of the recording that Imonfeur was taping for CUNT, the moment the violence errupted.  Be forewarned, the following transcript may be shocking to some readers.


"We can see Elbonian troops on the rooftop, down the street, atop Belihurton's offices here in Kamsar.  Their black berets suggest that President Wubaqi is nearby, as only his Presidential Guard wear that distinctive head gear."


<"Mike, can you move the boom over a little?">


"Our request for an interview with President Wubaqi was refused, as usual, as is the official Elbonian policy.  We know that President Wubaqi is meeting today with Carlos Ban'dineeto, the b'Eanian Ambassador, and Belihurton's Justin Thyme."


<""Yea, I know Marshall, we need to keep digging on that.  His time is running out ...<snigger>"


...the sound of gunfire erupts...


<"GET DOWN!...what's going on? ...Fuck!!"...Cam, are you getting this?>


"We can see, in the distance, moving up the street towards us, a large armed group of black Africans, many of them wearing caps, hats, or other assorted red head coverings, which usually  suggests they are LAME.  The Elbonian Guard has just fired on them and we can see that two vehicles are now burning down the street.  The gun fire is scattering the men."


...more shots are fired, louder this time...


"Fuck!!  Are they shooting at us?!?  What the fuck!!  GET DOWN, GET DOWN!!  I think I've been hit!!  Mike, Cam, are you hit?  Marshall, get the fuck DOWN!!...where is Len?  I think those shots came from his direction, over by that wall...my God...I'm bleeding...I'm feeling light headed.,..I'm..."


The details of what happened next are still unclear.  The Elbonian News Agency recently released a statement from President Wubaqi that calls for solidarity against, "the vile camel-toes of b'Eano".  In his message to his people, President Wubaqi blames b'Eano for the violence that erupted in Kamsar and calls for the, "suspension of our gas-pipeline project in Kamsar," a reference to the b'Eanian-Elbonian Coastal Underwater Pipeline project being engineered on behalf of both nations by Belihurton.  Wubaqi goes on to suggest that Belihurton has failed in its commercial responsibilities and all but declares war on the US corporate giant.  Wubaqi's rhetoric does in fact come off as a formal declaration of war against b'Eano, his former ally, and suggests that he may be ready to settle his differences with Garlamistan, his long time enemy.


Reminiscient of the chaos that occured in his capital city over nine years ago, Wubaqi concludes his message by praising his army for putting down a local uprising that also occured in Kamsar, and accuses rebels in his nation who he claims, "destroyed an Elbonian Gas Company tanker on a charity mission to a local orphanage, delivering a gift supply of fuel oil".  It is known that the Elbonian Liberation Front (ELF) and the Leftist Action Movement of Elbonia (LAME) both seek to usurp power from President Wubaqi and call for government change.  To-date ELF's efforts have met with little success and LAME too has had its struggles.


News outlets and investigative reporters around the world will no doubt take an interest in the Elbonian version of what transpired and will seek to corraborate or refute it and work towards piecing together what really happened in Kamsar on the day that members of the Western media were attacked and injured and one beloved media hero was subsequently killed.


Scoover's body is being returned to his family in Stockholm.  The risks the media takes in covering the violence in third-world nations like Elbonia has never been greater, and this very real danger is further epitomized by the fate suffered by Len Scoover, while doing his job and attempting to aid his colleagues.  It is hoped that when the dust settles in Elbonia, CUNT reporters like Imonfeur and her team, and other international journalists, will be back in the region reporting on developments and trying to figure out just what happened in Kamsar.


Elbonia is a coastal nation in Western Africa, bordered by Guinea-Bissau, b'Eano, Garlamistan, the UN controlled RUNDMZ, Tebessa, Liberia, and Sierra Leone.  Elbonia itself is no stranger to violence, having spent the last nine years engaged in a "phoney war" with neighboring Garlamistan, following a strange set of violent coincidences that included the sudden crash of a chartered airliner, a popular uprising and rampant civil disorder, and a number of failed assasination attempts, all of which errupted in March of 2003, during birthday celebrations for President Wubaqi.


"This part of the world is full of wack jobs", said US Colonel Jorge Cussler, commander of the US Army contingent currently in Elbonia to advise on matters of border security.  "Wubaqi may be one of the biggest wack jobs of the bunch, but he's the "big man" here and he's willing to help Uncle Sam track down Al'Qaeda fugitives in the region, so he can't be all bad...can he?"


Categories: Modern Africa

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

You must be a member to comment on this page. Sign In or Register

1 Comment

Reply Rob
8:56 PM on July 6, 2012 
Great write-up! Hope to see more press releases coming.