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We're Not in Good Shape Anymore

Posted by Andy on April 25, 2012 at 6:05 PM

This is Crystal Imonfeur, filing this report on behalf of Cable Universal News Television (CUNT). 


The following scathing memo, indicative of the poor state of preparedness of Reasonably-Priced, Texas, was recently discovered on Wikileaks.  It is a private memo addressed to the mayor of Reasonably-Priced, from the city's paid emergency management consultant, Stephen Dongivaschmidt.  It is being reprinted here exclusively for our CUNT subscribers.



Subject: Managing a Crisis Excercise 120423 - After Action Report #1


Dear Mr. Mayor,


On 23 April the staff of your city took on a disaster city exercise. It began as a quiet day in Reasonably-Priced when seven tornadoes descended wreaking havoc on the city and the surrounding area. Police Chief Eric stated that he had a gun and was thus in charge. Fire Chief Barry wanting to remain unwounded wholeheartedly agreed and volunteered to be the Deputy Incident Commander. And so began a response that would live in infamy.



Congresswoman Thaltenya’s child was injured and trapped in an overturned school bus. As her thoughts turned to re-election she knew that she needed to be more concerned with the oil spill from the Oil Tanker SS Titanic. It had contacted another vessel and oil was headed to the last known rookery of the red-head Whooping Cough Crane. She took immediate action and ordered news cameras. Lots of them. She knew she could parley this disaster into a media frenzy for sure.


The media choppers were over the leaking ammonia tank where a cloud was headed to Shady Groves Nursing Home. The staff was overwhelmed and needed assistance to evacuate 15 bed-ridden residents. An overturned railcar blocked the primary route for evacuation, so responders had to take the long way around. Keith, the Plant Manager of the ammonia facility decided to help and left a tug-and-barge crew travelling through the worst of the cloud to fend for themselves.



Barry, Fire Chief, spread a little light on the situation (literally. He brought a lamp) and began helping school children, conducting evacuations, and gaining situational awareness of the railroad track derailment. He decided to hold a few resources in reserve while calling for mutual aid assistance from Isoscelestown, the big-city neighbor.


Brian, representing the SS Titanic, told Andy, USCG COPT, that it takes one captain and a fifth (or a quart) to steer a vessel like he does. Brian was relying on dispersant of the oil while angry citizens were already counting on the disbursement of the oil company’s funds. Andy put helos in the air and desperately tried to have a cutter respond. Alas, the dice said otherwise and the cutter remained at sea on “law enforcement interdiction” duty. Enlisting the help of local fishermen and commercial vessels Andy got little help at first. Fishing was just too good after the storm.



A gunman downtown kept SWAT busy but Police Chief Eric could send no other law enforcement help as all units were deployed throughout the city. Motor vehicle traffic would continue in the area with an active SWAT operation.


Rob with the City’s Public Works department was contacted for use of all of his “big yellow iron” equipment. Rob quit drinking his lunch just long enough to send units here and there and over to the railroad tracks. There was some confusion as Police Chief Eric had blocked the road and had ordered an evacuation from the area. We never did find out who was in control of the bridge.


Daniel, representing British LNG, was ‘spot on’ when lines parted at the dock and an LNG Tanker was leaking its contents. His written documentation stated, “Task Group 1 (Plant’s emergency team) to deploy to LNG Tanker to determine load status, integrity of vessel, extinguish all sources of ignition. Task Group 2 to be held in reserve at control and determine if the uncontrolled volume requires evacuation. Control Room to blow down and De-pressure all pipework to flare system.



All those with a vested interest attended the incident press conference where various news personalities questioned those in charge concerning the day’s events. Although Congresswoman Thaltenya spoke most of the time she said very little of substance and will most certainly be re-elected.


Documentation of the incident was very weak and so very little is reimbursable. This will begin the true disaster.




--Stephen Dongivaschmidt

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